Category Archives: School

The inevitable “I’m so freaked out about college” entry

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I’m an eensie bit scared about this college application thing. Like most things that seem far off, it feels like you have ages to get everything done. Ages until you find yourself one month before all applications are due and with only two applications filled out! That’s NOT counting transcripts! I am so freaked out right now. I have like…. three more schools that I’m applying to.

I applied to FIT yesterday. At first, I didn’t want to apply to FIT because it seemed too mainstream. Last night, though, I decided that since it’s the art school with the best web design, they might just know what they’re doing. And Calvin Klein went there. And I have a lot of Calvin Klein pants. So that’s pretty cool. Plus, you know, I’m sure their photography program isn’t all that bad, either.

Now the only schools I have left to apply to are Brooklyn College, Pratt, and School of Visual Arts. And this is why I’m scared. I printed out the transcript form for FIT last night and I brought it to my guidance counselor this morning. She didn’t say it, but she had this look on her face that said, “OH MY GOD. YOU ARE GETTING THIS IN SO LATE. DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT YOUR APPLICATIONS HAD TO BE DONE LIKE A YEAR AGO?? YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. YOU ARE GOING TO DIIIIIEEEE!!!!” …. Or I might just be paranoid.

Still. I really need to get all my applications in. AND visit colleges. I went to Pratt’s National Portfolio Day in New York about a week ago. But that was a waste. I only made it to Pratt since every other school had like seven hundred million people in its line. I really should have just scheduled private portfolio reviews. Like I’m going to have to do now. And I’ll have to do that by like tomorrow. (FREAKED OUT.)

Holy crap, I haven’t written for a long time!

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I’m writing this in my little lazy phase between when I finish everything I need to do for the night and when I need to start getting ready for bed. I think it’s probably because I really hate living in rituals and getting ready for bed is just one big nightly ritual. So I kind of never want stop procrastinating and get my butt up and start brushing my teeth and washing my face and all that jazz. So instead of doing what I probably should be doing and going to bed early like I need to be doing, I’m going to update this poor excuse for a weblog.

School started this week. Or last week. Whatever. It started Wednesday. This school year is going very smoothly. Maybe a bit surprisingly smoothly. I write mental blog entries in my head sometimes and since I’ve been searching my brain for ideas of what to right about on this site, I thought about writing about the upcoming school year. In my imaginary blog entry, I would come home from another same-old day at school and write about how I’m a nervous, anti-social wreck who can’t talk to anybody and how I hate school so much and blah blah blah.

It’s not really like that this year, though. I am still kind of insecure and I don’t talk to anybody at all, but I think I’m a bit more comfortable with my surroundings. I’m not the hopeless, depressed, scared person that I was so much of last year. At least I hope that I’m not or that I will become that way as the school year progresses.

The majority of my classes are interesting this year. I guess that’s one of the benefits of being a senior. The classes aren’t so schooly and they’re actually interesting. As courses are getting more specific, we’re getting into more meaty, satisfying subjects. I scanned through my Evolution textbook, and some of it is really fascinating. The only class that I haven’t warmed up to so far is math. I think it’s basically because we started out by learning about bar graphs and stem and leaf diagrams and nothing is more boring than bar graphs and stem and leaf diagrams.

Seniority has is benefits as well in that I can leave whenever all of my academic requirements are fulfilled for the day. I have study hall and lunch the last few periods of the day so instead of staying I can just be like, “Yo, I’m leaving” and go. So….. yeah. I’m kind of glad that I can start my school year blogging on a positive note and not on a tragic, morbid, teenage cliché note. Ta-da!

Haha! Now only three more left!

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Slap me on the back, pat me on the shoulder! I totally passed my literature oral and it was not that hard! I was freaking out all of yesterday worrying about it (and maybe studying a little bit). I was drunk on adrenaline from all the times I thought of my exam and it exploded inside of my body. I couldn’t even eat breakfast this morning. I tried, but I just ended up spitting it out of my mouth because my body would not take it. I ended up pacing back and forth in the kitchen, trying to burn off all of my nervous energy.

When I got to school, I waited outside of my literature teacher’s room while going over notes and reviewing stories. I also was waving a paper fan furiously at my face, not just to cool down, but to take away my pre-exam jitters. My heart kept thumping every time I saw somebody that might have been my literature teacher walking towards the class room. She didn’t come until maybe twenty minutes later, though, so I had some time to look over the short stories and poems we had read over the school year.

When my teacher got to the class room, I went inside and sat down. She told me that she wasn’t quite ready, so I kept reading Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Birthmark.” There were a few stories that I really did not want to be stuck with when I had to go and pick from a stack of envelopes. They included Young Goodman Brown, anything from Othello, and the poems I hadn’t really had time to dissect at home. Probably Young Goodman Brown, especially, because I hadn’t really understood parts of it when we did read it in class.

My teacher asked me whether I wanted something to drink and to water her plants before we got started on the exam. After all that was done, I headed, scared to death, over to the pile of envelopes on her desk. I picked out the most protuberant one of the pile and yanked it out. I stuck my hand inside and withdrew the paper.

Now, I didn’t really know what to think when my teacher told the class that everybody always got the one piece that they did not want at all. Upon opening my envelope, however, I now know that my teacher is either capable of predicting the future, or is just really good at guessing. In my hands was an excerpt from Young Goodman Brown.

“How does the author define the characters using imagery, symbolism, and other stylistic devices, yadah, yadah, yadah, etc.”

I told my teacher that this was not quite the one I was hoping to get as I sat down. Inside, I was thinking, Oh, God, what am I going todo?! I had twenty minutes to read, annotate, and write notes about the story. I was surprised at how, after reading it, easily I was able to pick ideas and and pieces of the story that would apply to my exam. I ended up with two pages of notes and the story somewhat highlighted and annotated.

I started my tape and started talking. I think I messed up a few times, at least with my vocabulary. It’s horribly limited. I kept pausing for ten seconds at a time to try and think of words to use and ended up sound like, “So, he uh… he…. well, um…. he did, no, wait…. he uh…. okay, um…. yeah.” I guess I did pretty well besides stumbling on words a few times. The fifteen minutes were up before I knew it.

I looked up and my teacher had a big smile on her face. She said that she was very impressed and that I should probably speak up more in class and share my ideas. I took at “Hoorah! You-made-it-through-the-exam!” sucker from her desk and left. I had butterflies in my stomach still, but they were good butterflies.

Anticip-a-a-tion.

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I failed my Spanish exam. At least I’m pretty certain that I did. And seriously, I am not exaggerating at all. I mean, I’m not particularly surprised about it or anything. I think that’s what happens if you don’t pay attention or study all year. You fail. But it’s not a mandatory class. So…. whatever. But I’m still kind of down about leaving nine answers blank on today’s part of the test. I probably got most of the ones I did answer wrong, anyway. I was trying to hold onto my exam paper for as long as possible so the teacher wouldn’t pick up my paper and review it on the spot like he was doing for some of the other kids.

On top of being totally sucky at Spanish, I kind of want to move to Antarctica right now because it’s so effing hot out. I have my air conditioner on in my room and it still feels hot. And, what, it’s only like eighty degrees outside! Okay, eighty is kind of hot, but in the summer, it can go all the way up to ninety. NINETY. It was like seventy degrees and I felt like I was dying.

They really should just cancel school for the next few days. The first reason would be the heat. The evil, hot, painful, sweaty, clothes-sticking-to-your-body, insanely uncomfortable heat. The second reason is that I just don’t have the will to do any more school work. My brain has reached its capacity. My body has reached its capacity. I want to just chill out, study a smidgen for my exams and BE DONE WITH IT. — Really, if you know of any places that are of a moderate temperature all year long, I would so want to move there right now. Winter is too cold and summer is too hot.

Spring is quickly becoming my favorite season. I like fall, too, but it leads to something a bit more unpleasant. That being months of freezing weather, a monotonous wardrobe, and days and days of hopeless depression. At least with spring, you have something to look forward to.

I guess I’m just a middle season kind of person. Maybe it’s because with either spring or fall, you have something to look forward to, or something you’re expecting to happen. When summer or winter come around, what you’ve been waiting for is there and it’s usually not as good as you’d hoped. There is something about anticipation that’s better than the actual thing itself. Spring and fall are seasons of change. In the summer and winter, the change has happened. Plus, they’re not so hot that you want to rip off all your clothes and throw desks out of windows.

Snapping my fingers off in frustration, inside

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I am freaking out. Not on the outside, but on the inside, I’m slamming myself into walls and ripping my hair out. Why? Because there are nine days of school left and the teachers are giving us the most homework since EVER. There’s no time to not do homework, either. For Advanced Algebra, we sometimes get two days to hand something in, so usually, I would wait until the last minute. I can’t do that now. Every day when I go into my math class, we get like three more whole entire giant worksheets assigned. I’m guessing that this is because it’s the end of the school year and we need as much practice before exams as possible, but this is just way too much stress on me! I like my afternoons FREE of school. It’s getting too hard to finish all of my homework in study hall and before school.

Another reason why I am ripping my eyes out on the inside? Because the SATs are on Saturday. SATURDAY. I’m not particularly worried about the test. I probably should be, I haven’t studied for it at all, but I’m more anxious about it interfering with my weekend. My priorities are so out of order that it’s not even funny.

On top of all of this evil negative energy accumulating in all of this homework, I’m also a nervous wreck because of exams. I look back fondly on the times when I wouldn’t even have to study for an exam. I’d just walk in and get a ninety on it. But that ended in like seventh grade. I am terrified of failing almost every exam I have to take this year. Physics, Advanced Algebra, History…. The Spanish exam is in in class exam and the class isn’t even required, so even though I’m pretty certain I’m going to fail that, it doesn’t really count. Except for looking bad on my report card. Then there’s an oral literature exam. And I have to know like all of the stuff that we’ve read this year. And comment about a piece I draw out of a hat. For FIFTEEN MINUTES. Okay, I have to go tear apart my bedroom. Inside my head, of course.

I’m overchallenged!

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I am completely terrified of anything having to do with school right now. I have an AP exam tomorrow that I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail. I hardly remember anything that we learned this school year, but I also can hardly answer any of the questions of the AP U.S History review book. I know that I don’t need to pass this exam to pass the grade, but that’s not really what I’m worried about. I’m not worried really about passing/failing the multiple choice section. I’m worried that when it comes to the THREE essays that I have to write during the exam, that I’m going to not know the answer to any of of them! I would hate to have a totally blank piece of paper to hand it. It would just be too embarrassing.

After this exam is over, I plan on being freaked out out of my head with being scared to death about my June exams. We had a practice exam for Advanced Algebra the other day. So. Hard. Really. I didn’t remember anything from the beginning of the school year. And then there’s physics. I’m really scared that I’m going to fail physics and have to take it over again next school year. A lot of seniors had to do that this school year. I don’t want to take physics again!

Once exams are all over and done with, I plan going insane with the thought that in exactly one school year, I will be heading off to college. COLLEGE. I am so not ready for college. I am scared that I might not get into any of the colleges I want to go to or that we won’t be able to afford any colleges that I want to go to. I checked the Pratt website and it said that design majors need to include three sketches drawn from life including a self portrait. I can’t draw from life for beans! Maybe I’ll become a photography major…. but is that what I really want? Is being a design major what I really want? THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS!

And what if I FAIL THE GRADE? What if I fail my exams and have to take the grade over again? That would be embarrassing. I really don’t know if I should have gone to this school. With all of its advanced classes and stuff. People are always telling me that I wouldn’t be challenged enough at a less challenging school…. I think I would do better, though. I wish that I was in stupid, regular history instead of AP. I wish that I went to a school that doesn’t teach Earth Science in the 8th grade so that I could take that instead of Physics. I wish I could just relax!

I’m Stoopid

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Today we had the PSATs. I don’t really get why we have those. Are they practice? Pre-SATs? Practice-SATs? Dunno. I felt kind of dumb during it, though. Especially on the vocabulary questions. I was like, aaaaarrrrgggg…… biiiig woooooorrrrrdsssssuh……. blarg. I really should just look up words I don’t know in books instead of just ignoring them…. but that’s. So. Haaaaard. I guess as a result, my vocabulary is kind of abdomenibable….. I mean bad. I do have trouble remembering definitions. There are a few words that I just CAN’T REMEMBER. Like “concur.” I’ve heard that word kagillions of times. EVERY. TIME. I heard it, I’m like, “huh?” What? *Goes to dictionary.com.* Right okay. It means to agree…. or something like that.

I don’t think I finished any of the PSAT sections, either. I guess that’s not that bad, though. I don’t think I finished any of the sections last year, either, and I think I still got a pretty high score. Bah. I’m such a dummy.

Maybe I’m just lazy. It’s weird, because I hardly have any classes this year. Every other day, I have two study halls. And a lunch. Every six school days, I have THREE study halls. And a lunch. That’s four free periods in a day. Still, though, I feel overwhelmed with work. Maybe even more than last year when I only have ONE study hall every six class days. I’m weird. And school’s depressing. So I’m going to make a list of things that have made me happy lately. This blog has been too depressing. So.

Things that have made me happy lately:

  • Sleepy Hollow the movie with Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci. The movie is SUPER COOL. The style is really dark and creepy. It’s really funny, too.
  • Norah Jones.
  • Martha Stewart Halloween stuff.
  • My locker. My locker this year totally ROCKS. I have three shelves in it and it’s decorated completely with pictures from movies and magazines. It also has a whiteboard, a mirror, and a little pen holder thingy.
  • Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind. It’s so pretty.
  • East of Eden, the Steinbeck Centennial Edition. Oh man, this book is really, really, really sick. In a really, really, really satisfying way. The characters are so twisted and evil. It’s too cool. And the Centennial edition has good design. And it smells good. *Sniff.*
  • Harvest Spice candles from Pier 1

Relax, Max

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I need to chill out. I need a chill pill. School this year is turning me into a nervous, obsessive compulsive, socially anxious wreck. Today in physics, my teacher was going over the answers to a homework sheet we had had a few days ago. She’s a really nice person, she is, but her accent (Romanian?) sort of turns into a drone after a while and a start to drift off into day-dreamland. I didn’t understand that there was an order to the way people were being called on to answer the questions. I guess there was. The teacher called out “13….. 13? Um…. number 13?” a few times before I realized that I was supposed to read number 13. The usual adrenaline rush and reddening of the face that happens when I’m called on followed. “Two point four three times ten to the 8th power?” I asked, my voice shaking. My teacher looked at me with a look that sort of said, “huh?” And then “oooh! I get what you did wrong. You did [what she thought I did which is nowhere near what I did]. Am I right?” I pretended to know what she was talking about and just nodded. As I looked down at my paper, I realized that not only had I gotten the question horrifyingly wrong, all I had really done was copy one side of the equation into the answer blank. Let’s say that the equation was 3+2. In the answer blank, I wrote 2. What the heck? My brain has not been functioning properly lately. I’m wondering if it’s brain damage from banging my head against the door too many times when I was younger.

Maybe it was the distracting study hall I had yesterday. It was seventh period and there were a few more people than usual in the study hall room than usual, probably because of schedule changes. Anyway, the room was pretty noisy, and that was bad enough. To make it worse, though, every time the room got too loud, the attendant watching us would make an extremely loud and high pitched whistling sound that would make me head jerk up violently and my adrenal glands go absolutely insane. Once was bad enough, but the attendant went on to do it about three more times, none less surprising than the last. All the while, I was trying to complete my physics homework.

I can’t tell whether by the end of the school day I’m extremely jittery or dead tired. True, my mind is complete mush by then and almost completely disconnected from the external word, but everything also gets me very worked up, too. After my wrong answer in physics, I spent the rest of the school day with a three period long adrenaline rush, fidgeting and drawing elaborate borders around my paper in literature class. And now I’m exhausted. So good night.

Let’s Write On Eachother!

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So, today the juniors and sophmores had their class meetings at the same time in the auditorium. It was basically the usual bashing us in the head about school rules, dress code, bullying, the little speach about taddling from our crotchety (just wanted to use that word in a sentence) principal….

There was one thing that was spoken about that was pretty funny, though. One of our assistant principals was talking about the famous high school inititiation day, “freshman friday.” I was never bothered on my freshman friday, but I think that’s because everybody just thought I was in the sixth grade.

You know those teachers or principals— or people like that— who seem so absolutely clueless about what they’re saying and how it’s actually very hilarious? Like they never were actually children, they just walked out of their mother’s birth canal as clueless old teachers? The kind of people who have absolutely no idea that a side of their dress is riding half way up their leg and that there’s chalk dust all over their clothes? Yeah– that’s the kind of person our assistant principal is. Here’s basically how her little speach thingy went:

“I’ve seen many ninth graders walking around school today with writing all over them.” [Students chuckle softly.] “And I’m sure that none of you guys did this, but I’m just saying…. This isn’t a nice way to treat people younger than you. Some of the freshman might want to be written on because they think it’s cool.….” [Laughing from students.] “….I had a girl come into my office this morning in tears because she had writing all over her….. And you know, some people are allergic to these markers, espcially the perminant ones. Last year, a girl came into my office with marker on her face and her face was just blown up! So please don’t write on anybody, it’s not nice. There are kids who don’t want it done to them. And for kids who do want it done to themselves, DON’T DO IT. If you guys want to draw on eachother, wait until you get home and then draw on eachother!” [Huge burst of laughing from students.]

Schoooool’s OUT for EV’AH!

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So. Today was the last day of school. I’m mixed with a bunch of feelings right now, two of them being anxiety and relief. I’m relieved that school is finally over. I’m anxious about what to do. All school year, I’ve had something I needed to do. And then instead of doing what I needed to do, I just did something else. Now that I have nothing to do, anything else I do seems like a waste of time. If I watch a movie, it’s just for entertainment, not to take me away from the terrible thoughts of school.

Speaking of school and stuff, I’m also extremely anxious to get my grades back to find out whether our not a failed horribly on the chemistry exam. That exam was the kind of exam that you don’t really know whether you did well on or just really, really, badly. I’m guessing badly. Not only did the questions confuse me, I was also in one of the nastiest, stinkiest, dustiest rooms to take an exam in. This was not good for allergies. I was foggy headed and covered in snot. It wasn’t very pleasant.

Hopefully I did okay on the exam. I did talk over one of the questions with my friend and turns out…. I got it wrong! Hm. Hopefully I didn’t do that badly on the rest of the exam.

Then there’s also history, Spanish, and literature to worry about. I got the grade for my geometry exam today. 70. Considering that that was the one exam that I felt I did really, really well on, that’s not a good sign for the other exams that I thought I just did really, really okay on. Then chemistry which I felt I did really, really less than okay on.

Eeeek! I don’t know whether to hope to get the grades soon so that I can be rid of this anxiety or to hope that the grades never come so I don’t have to find out if I failed or not! Eeeeeeek!

Anyway- School’s out! Boo-yah!