I haven’t written in a really long time. Or taken pictures. Or done anything remotely creative. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m in a rut, because I don’t necessarily feel bored. It’s just that most of my attention has been focused elsewhere…. I guess it’s kind of untrue when I say that I haven’t written in a really long time. I have been writing, just not on this blog. The writing I have been doing has been confined to my actual paper-and-pen non-electronic journal. It’s kind of a good thing, too, because I don’t think I want anybody to ever read the sort of things I write when I’m so stressed out of my mind that I can hardly handle simple things, like breathing or eating. It’s really not a good thing when you’ve become so emo that you feel like Holden Caulfield and are strangely drawn to Avril Lavigne music.
I attribute a majority of the stress I’ve been experiencing to the fact that I seem to have been having some kind of freaky, early-onset midlife crisis. Flipping through the pages of my journal, one can see that most of the entries are incredibly tragic and egocentric rants about how “I don’t know what I want anymore” and how “the past is like a lollipop, hidden inside of a topless glass jar.” Seriously, I am not right in the head when I write this shit.
A little bit of explanation: I’ve recently started a new semester at the third college I’ve attended in three years. When I first started school at Pratt two years ago, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to go to college for four years, graduate, and immediately start a career as a fabulous and ridiculously successful famous fashion photographer. Now, I’m not so sure.
I can’t tell if this is because I’m growing older and am becoming simultaneously more realistic and more interested in other things…. or if I just have massive commitment issues. I’d like to think it’s the former. Right now, I’m studying at FIT and, while all of the classes and teachers are totally fine in terms of quality, I keep getting this feeling that this is not what I want to be doing. At all. I do want to be a photographer….. but I’m not sure if that’s the only thing that I want to do. The problem with many art schools is that really, when it comes down to it, they’re basically like trade schools. They teach you to be the best at one thing. I think that my problem with this is that I want to feel like I’m learning rather than feel like I’m being trained. I want to be able to hold up a conversation about something other than f-stops and correct white balance. Mostly, though, I want to have options. I don’t want to be pigeon-holed into a specific career or lifestyle. I suppose that, in a sense, knowing what I don’t want means that I know what I do want, but I’m still more confused than ever.