Maxigumee

Russell is really mad at me right now. And for a reason that annoys the stuff out of me. For a reason that for the last few years has been popping up almost every day. That reason is my supposed mental disorders, whether that be OCD, ADD, or Social Anxiety Disorder. I’m not going to lie, I can be totally screwed up sometimes with what my mind does, but not nearly as much or as badly as people think. It seems that every single day, I get some comment from somebody about how I’m always so afraid to do something or how I’m always so clean or how I’m always this or always that. All of these always’s and presumptions and bringing back things I’ve said in the past to punch me in the face are really starting to piss me off.

The reason Russell is mad at me is because I told him that I did not want to hang out at his friend John’s house yesterday. He called. He was all, “Hey, do you want to go to hang out at John’s house?” Then I was all, “No, not really.” Then Russell was all, “Why not?” Then I was all, “Well, I just don’t feel like it.” Then Russell was all, “But WHY don’t you feel like it? Give me a reason. Give me one good reason.” So then I was all, “umm…. What do you mean give you a reason? I just don’t really feel like going.” Russell was like, “What? Are you scared again? You’re always so scared of hanging out with people. I thought you liked John. Why won’t you hang out with people? You hung out with some of my friends the other day and you were fine with it. Why can’t you hang out with John now?” So, then, I’m like, “Well, I really just don’t feel like it today. I just want to be lazy and watch TV.” Russell hung up.

I chatted with Russell online today and apparently, he’s still mad at me. Is it so much to ask that I can make a simple decision and not be pestered with a thousand questions about why I’m doing it? Why do I NEED to have a legitimate reason as to why I don’t want to do something. I simply DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT. Just like I don’t really feel like eating ice cream right now. — Oh my gosh. Do I? Do I have ICE CREAM PHOBIA?! Hurry up and pour a vat of ice cream down my throat so I can be exposed to it and learn how much I really love ice cream! HURRY!

That’s another problem with people. As soon as they learn that I might feel uncomfortable about something, for example: social situations, they automatically feel that I should be exposed to them in order to make me feel better. Not that I want to emphasize the whole “crazy” thing, but mental disorders are diseases and you can’t just expect something to go away by simply exposing somebody to something. That’s like saying that throwing an obsessive compulsive clean-freak into a pile of hospital sheets marked “Bio-Hazzard” will make them get over all of his issues. It just DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.

But that’s not what this post is supposed to be complaining about. This post is complaining about how people take things that I say way too seriously and use what I have said against me. I hate that. I hate when people quote me. What makes people think that the way I feel one day is the way I’m going to be feeling one day or the next?

I remember a few years ago, when I was seeing a therapist for my obsessive compulsiveness. When I went to see this therapist, we would often get into pointless, hour-long discussions and arguments about how I act and how I really feel about things and when I would try to say something, he would flip through his notes and be like, “well, you didn’t feel that way two weeks ago!” I felt sort of betrayed. You’re supposed to feel comfortable around a therapist, not like your every word is going to be used against you.

While I do admit that I do have some mental issues, I really don’t want people bringing them up for every aspect of my life. I don’t go to some people’s houses for the very good reason of JUST BECAUSE. Not because I’m terrified of talking to people, not because if I leave the safety of my bedroom I will catch SARS. JUST BECAUSE! I still want to use my mental disorders as an excuse for my sometimes bizarre behavior, but please, please, PLEASE, don’t use them against me.

EDIT: It turns out that Russell was kidding about the whole thing and just forgot to tell me. Hmph.

It’s a gorgeous spring day out and I’m so glad that it’s Friday. As usual, after a long break is over and done with, I have piles of school work to do and fast. Much of this said work could and probably should have been done over the break but, honestly, who does homework over spring break? My school work needs-to-be-done checklist included finishing the book “First They Killed My Father” for my Literature class (not quite finished, but good enough), reading two chapters of History before my test today (actually finished), recording a CD for my Spanish class in which I talk about fake news for my school (finished), writing a fake letter to the common council about why the principal at a school is bad —mine was because she made the students be her slaves— (finished), and a DBQ Essay for History (not finished and not started at all). So, only one thing left that I really need to do. I’ve already hit the ceiling on my reading capacity (did that on about Wednesday) and now all I want to do is watch TV and be lazy. It was a bit of a struggle to finish my History reading since my OCD was being a jerk (I just wanted to tell my head to SHUT UP), but I actually finished it…. with the help of a little skimming at parts.

I am loving this weather SO much. It’s strange, because even though time seems to go faster as you get older, you seem to enjoy the seasons a lot more, too. It seems that even though I remember last Fall like it was a month ago, each new spring is more beautiful than the previous. I don’t even care when it rains. As long as it’s not SNOW. Oh my gosh, I am so sick of snow. All of that snow and ice this year and not ONE snow day. Not one. That has got to be some sort of Buffalo record. I don’t think I can remember a school year that didn’t have a snow day. Not that I’m all that anxious any more to get one. Bring on the sun!

I’m so happy that I can finally open up the windows in my room to let some cool air in and that I can finally stop wearing all those sweaters. While I really do like sweaters and have bought probably an unhealthy amount of them since last September, it feels REALLY good to be able to stop wearing them. I was sort of getting fashion fatigue. I got out to the mall on Wednesday and got some new clogs, two new springy shirts, and one sale sweater from the Gap. Even though I’m getting kind of sick of sweaters, it was $9.99 and it’s navy blue, so I can wear it when I uh…. go sailing and stuff in the summer.

Probably the only somewhat irritable thing about spring is the time-change. Where I would normally be thrilled about the sun setting later (and I kind am), it’s screwing up my entire afternoon schedule. I usually spend the light hours of the afternoon being lazy and watching TV and being all internet-y then spending the darker hours on my highly ritualized before-bed hygiene procedures, moisturizing, relaxing, and school reading. With this time change, though, the light hours have been lasting longer and even before the sun sets, I’m like, “Oh my gosh, it’s eight o’clock. How the heck did that happen?”

I’m sitting right now on my parents’ bed, soaking up the sunlight from their window. I want to get out on Elmwood Avenue tonight to look at all the shops and watch all the people, maybe go see a movie…. Spring! Yay!