Maxigumee

Out of all of the horrible sports out there, I would have to say basketball is the worst…. for me. I know, football and hockey are more violent. Basketball isn’t as violent, but it’s just too fast! I hate fast games! I usually can’t stand anything in gym class at all. I just don’t see how throwing a ball around is supposed to be exciting in any way. It’s a game. How can they expect me to care at all about it? Running, now that I can care about. How would our ancestors get away from the saber toothed tigers if it wasn’t for running? Running isn’t just a game, it’s a necessity. You run to escape the psycho killer. You run to catch the ice cream truck. You don’t see anybody dribbling a ball and throwing it into a hoop to escape being eaten to death by lions, do you? No.

I’m not exactly sure what makes me so terrified to perform in gym class. I’m not really sure about how to play any of the games, but that’s not really all of it. I never really played sports when I was a little kid. I remember thinking I was into baseball and stuff, but all I ever really did was throw a ball back and forth in my backyard. It doesn’t really count. “Sports” in the beginning of elementary school weren’t really sports. I remember dodge ball consisted of all the kids standing in a circle, throwing a squashy ball at one another and seeing who could dodge it. Regular dodge ball is not so easy. I was usually the one who was last on one team, not because I was good, but because I was hiding in the back. I learned to move more to the front and get tagged on purpose later on.

Maybe it’s a social thing. I don’t like public speaking. Maybe gym is kind of the same. I feel incredibly stupid doing anything at all in gym. I try to stay out of the game as much as I can. I really, really can’t stand it when anybody tosses the ball to me just to get me to participate more, like I feel left out, or something. And I really can’t stand it whenever I do something more than just stand around and then everybody claps and cheers my name. You don’t need to make me feel special, I’m fine.

Perhaps the whole gym thing makes me feel stupid because I see what other people actually playing look like. Stinky, sweaty, baggy, nasty, goofy looking people. Am I the only one who thinks people look completely stupid when they’re all running up against each other, sandwiching their bodies together, just to get at some ball? Uh, it’s not pretty. I don’t want to look like that.

So obviously, I wasn’t delighted when we were told that we would be starting basketball. Why is it the worst sport ever? Because it’s so horribly fast! Everybody is running and running and running in circles. Dribbling, passing, dribbling, passing. And I’m just spinning, and spinning, and uh, which way did the ball go? My sport-playing attention span basically lasts only two minutes into a game. Then I start thinking things like, “What should I blog about today?” “Maybe I could blog about this!” “Do, do, do re mi fa so la ti do ti la so fa mi re do. Heh, I can do it backwards.” Then I find myself, once again, against the wall, fidgeting with my fingers and staring blankly into space.

Don’t even think about asking me to run wildly around with my hands up in the air. Do not toss the ball to me. Just leave me alone with my thoughts.